Breathe in…breathe out… I’ve got this, ok? I coach myself through my emotions every moment I experience any nerves when I’m about to do what I do...
Breathe in, sigh out on an Aaahh! In full voice of course! My actor voice training has stayed with me for some two decades now. Sometimes embarrassingly so, like when I can’t stop myself vocally sighing with pleasure during downward facing dog in yoga class…
Just put one foot in front of the other. I always lead with my left foot FYI. Like when I do splits , or cartwheels in the garden, which I convince myself I can still do and must prove to others frequently , usually to children under the age of 12…not cool!
So here goes nothing …gulp!
This is my first official blog post in what’s fast becoming a year of firsts. Fearless me, who at the grand old age of 42 left Blighty for New York with my husband, Edward and our two kids, Miles ,then 6 and Iris, then 4, for a family lifetime adventure! Or a family midlife crisis? TBD
Since my arrival on the East Coast I have:-
If I told you that most of this happened as a result of being crippled by fear you’d probably disregard it as poppycock! But, it’s true.
Starting the “adventure “can be such a steep learning curve that one can fail to see the joy in living presently anymore, as one’s present can be so scarily unnerving.
I was so overwhelmed that within 3 weeks I got vertigo. I know this because I went to Mount Sinai Hospital with my husband to eventually get diagnosed, well, by my husband, after a saline drip, pregnancy test, blood scan, CT scan and 6 hours in an Emergency Room revealed nothing to the dashing M.D overseeing me as he conceded to the rookie’s likely diagnosis of ‘vertigo brought on by stress.’
I however, learned a valuable lesson: never ever go to a medical hospital with an innocent question such as “Is this where I need to go on a Saturday to be looked at by a doctor? I have a numb right arm and I’m experiencing frequent dizzy spells?” Especially true if said hospital is a specialist stroke centre. Kerching!
In Louise Hay’s bestselling book ‘Heal your Body- The mental causes for physical illness and the metaphysical way to overcome them’ it states that vertigo’s probable cause is due to; flighty, scattered thinking: a refusal to look. Like a scared child I was living in fear; covering my eyes and literally shutting the front door meant I didn’t have to deal with the reality of my brash, relentless environment. I was dizzy and disorientated by New York’s horn honking “I’m walking here!” mentality.
I pined for pipe and slippers, England, where I’d left my support network of incredible women whom I could pop in and see for belly laughs and positive chats over a cuppa, brewed in a teapot, whilst the kids played freely in a lush green garden; or go visit my sisters who would look out for me and give me amazing advice about motherhood and spirituality whilst feeding up my kiddiewinks and me; or hug my wonderful mum- who incredibly never said “don’t go” when we took her youngest grandchildren across the Atlantic in search of a better life like millions of immigrants had done before us.
Fearful and anxious I didn’t recognize the person I had become. I had to change, as my circumstances were unlikely to change, we were here for a few years as green card holders and we had invested an awful lot of energy in the move, as well as money. I needed to reframe how I looked at my life here as an opportunity for me to shine, not just as enabling Edward to get something out of his system through working on Broadway, before we headed back home to my beloved England.
After consulting with Janet in an emotional wellness session, I knew I needed to redefine who I was. I had worked successfully as an actress on stage and screen, around the U.K and Europe but I had lost the confidence to hustle and play the game to win. I had wanted to be at home for the kids too, as I felt guilty in having taken them away from their extended family and didn’t want them to feel abandoned- my words not theirs!
I so longed for the fearless creative Caroline who can do anything she puts her mind to, that I pledged to write down my truest desires and to be brutally honest in doing so -as Socrates said “The Life which is unexamined is not worth living”.
I drew up a list of the following:
For me, the words on the page that popped out were “Who am I?”
I was to step out of my wilderness years into quite possibly the most fearless year of my life so far. I wrote this poem
I am Me.
As You can see
Some seem similar,
Some seem different,
(Though not Me!)
You may try,
But you can never be
I look a lot like them.
They look a lot like Me.
In this family,
All that I will ever be is
Can You be Me?
Can I be You?
It’s fun to try,
But ask Me why
Should I be the same as
You are great!
As I am too.
It’s so much fun to be with You!
“Shall we be a team of two, just
Us can be a family
With others who are like Us too.
Some seem similar,
Some seem different, true!
All of Us as
We are great!
Oh yes We are!
Just look at all We’ve done so far!
I am Me, You Us and We.
I will remember to always be,
Kind to Us and respectful of We
And treat Me as I would You,
As all We need ever do is
Oh! I forgot to introduce myself: Hello! I am Caroline, an actress, children’s author, reiki master, astrologer, mumpreneur, painter, runner, yogi, mother, wife, daughter, friend and finally … a blogger!