A year for living fearlessly

Breathe in…breathe out… I’ve got this, ok? I coach myself through my emotions every moment I experience any nerves when I’m about to do what I do...
Breathe in, sigh out on an Aaahh! In full voice of course! My actor voice training has stayed with me for some two decades now. Sometimes embarrassingly so, like when I can’t stop myself vocally sighing with pleasure during downward facing dog in yoga class…
Just put one foot in front of the other. I always lead with my left foot FYI. Like when I do splits , or cartwheels in the garden, which I convince myself I can still do and must prove to others frequently , usually to children under the age of 12…not cool!  
So here goes nothing …gulp!
 This is my first official blog post in what’s fast becoming a year of firsts. Fearless me,  who at the grand old age of 42 left Blighty for New York with my husband, Edward and our two kids, Miles ,then 6 and Iris, then 4, for a family lifetime adventure! Or a family midlife crisis? TBD
Since my arrival on the East Coast I have:-

• Acted the lead role in a few short films ,one playing an American, (a prominent agent visiting our drama school once told the class that this was an impossibility- err didn’t apply to Emmy award winning ,’Homeland’ actor and fellow classmate, Damian Lewis did it? Check me at 45 still feeling aggrieved at being pigeon holed at 21 years old!)
• Signed with CESD talent agency, joined Actor’s Equity and became a member of the Screen Actors Guild or SAG for short.
• Became attuned to Reiki (Usui lineage) at Master level, by Brett Bevell , from Omega Institute of Holistic Studies.
• Ran in my first official half marathon through Central Park, with Edward.
• Collaborated with my new friend, Mary, in a new business venture called “Re-Energize You”, which is a wellness event for women.
• Given astrological readings for a party of 15 women, who were getting progressively drunker on a well earned night out–thank goodness I wrote out their charts for them to peruse over once they sobered up!
• Rediscovered a love of painting
• And lastly, most excitingly, self-published my first ever children’s picture book, “I am Me…You, Us and We” which is illustrated by my lovely friend, Lehla Eldridge.

Phew!
If I told you that most of this happened as a result of being crippled by fear you’d probably disregard it as poppycock!  But, it’s true.
Starting the “adventure “can be such a steep learning curve that one can fail to see the joy in living presently anymore,  as one’s present can be so scarily unnerving.
 I was so overwhelmed that within 3 weeks I got vertigo. I know this because I went to Mount Sinai Hospital with my husband to eventually get diagnosed, well, by my husband, after a saline drip, pregnancy test, blood scan, CT scan and 6 hours in an Emergency Room revealed nothing to the dashing M.D overseeing me as he conceded to the rookie’s likely diagnosis of ‘vertigo brought on by stress.’
 I however, learned a valuable lesson: never ever go to a medical hospital with an innocent question such as “Is this where I need to go on a Saturday to be looked at by a doctor? I have a numb right arm and I’m experiencing frequent dizzy spells?” Especially true if said hospital is a specialist stroke centre. Kerching!
In Louise Hay’s bestselling book ‘Heal your Body- The mental causes for physical illness and the metaphysical way to overcome them’ it states that vertigo’s probable cause is due to; flighty, scattered thinking: a refusal to look. Like a scared child I was living in fear; covering my eyes and literally shutting the front door meant I didn’t have to deal with the reality of my brash, relentless environment. I was dizzy and disorientated by New York’s horn honking “I’m walking here!” mentality.
I pined for pipe and slippers, England, where I’d left my support network of incredible women whom I could pop in and see for  belly laughs and positive chats over a cuppa, brewed in a teapot, whilst the kids played freely in a lush green garden; or go visit my sisters who would look out for me and give me amazing advice about motherhood and spirituality whilst feeding up my kiddiewinks and me; or hug my wonderful  mum- who incredibly never said “don’t go” when we took her youngest grandchildren across the Atlantic in search of a better life like millions of immigrants had done before us.
Fearful and anxious I didn’t recognize the person I had become. I had to change, as my circumstances were unlikely to change, we were here for a few years as green card holders and we had invested an awful lot of energy in the move, as well as money.  I needed to reframe how I looked at my life here as an opportunity for me to shine, not just as enabling Edward to get something out of his system through working on Broadway, before we headed  back home to my beloved England.
After consulting with Janet in an emotional wellness session, I knew I needed to redefine who I was. I had worked successfully as an actress on stage and screen, around the U.K and Europe but I had lost the confidence to hustle and play the game to win. I had wanted to be at home for the kids too, as I felt guilty in having taken them away from their extended family and didn’t want them to feel abandoned- my words not theirs!
 I so longed for the fearless creative Caroline who can do anything she puts her mind to, that I pledged to write down my truest desires and to be brutally honest in doing so -as Socrates said “The Life which is unexamined is not worth living”.
 I drew up a list of the following:

• What I was grateful for in my life.
• The things in my life I wanted to keep
• The things in my life I wanted to let go of.

It was a fascinating revealing exercise and one I highly recommend if feeling emotionally disconnected from your core life purpose. For me the power of saying yes became an obsession. The desire to heal and create is not one I can again ignore. The awareness of speaking your intention aloud so you get used to hearing yourself manifest what you truly want, is something you soon see the benefits of. By voicing your desire, you open up a spiritual connection to the power of the Universe. It echo’s back loud and clear in the synchronous clues evident in day to day life-you just have to be willing to receive them and listen! The energy has shifted and a path has been cleared for you to go in the right direction towards your core purpose. As the saying goes, “You can’t always get what you want, but you will get what you need.” So don’t be alarmed at a diversion, trust in what is unfolding and in time with the clarity of hindsight, you will also realize the significance of why things turn out the way they do. Oh but please be grateful for the gifts coming your way –it’s just good manners!
For me, the words on the page that popped out were “Who am I?”
I was to step out of my wilderness years into quite possibly the most fearless year of my life so far. I wrote this poem


I am Me.
As You can see
 Some seem similar,
Some seem different,
(Though not Me!)
You may try,
But you can never be
I
 
I look a lot like them.
 They look a lot like Me.
In this family,
All that I will ever be is
Me.
 
Can You be Me?
Can I be You?
It’s fun to try,
 But ask Me why
Should I be the same as
You?
 
You are great!
 As I am too.
It’s so much fun to be with You!
“Shall we be a team of two, just
Us?”
 
Us can be a family
With others who are like Us too.
Some seem similar,
Some seem different, true!
All of Us as
We.
 
 
We are great!
 Oh yes We are!
Just look at all We’ve done so far!
I am Me, You Us and We.
Being.
Universally.
 
I will remember to always be,
Kind to Us and respectful of We
And treat Me as I would You,
As all We need ever do is
 Love.
 
 
Oh! I forgot to introduce myself: Hello! I am Caroline, an actress, children’s author, reiki master, astrologer, mumpreneur, painter, runner, yogi, mother, wife, daughter, friend and finally … a blogger!